le lapin gris

There’s a deep pit at the bottom of my stomach and simultaneously a hole in my soul that tends to rip slowly but surely at every little memory that brings me back to the past and reminds me that I’m no longer with him in the present.  I’ve tried to write many times since that day, but my pride has kept me from finishing my thoughts.  But I must write.  I have to find a way to write out all of the poison I hold inside so I’ll be able to forgive myself and forgive him.  

I was listening to something today that said something like you shouldn’t feel like goodbyes are unbearable and devastating because you never know what’s in store for you.  It’s true.  I don’t know what’s in store for me.  But whatever it is, it’ll be different.  And for now, I can’t help but mourn this loss, no matter how blatantly obvious it is to the rest of the world and possibly to me and him, that this was for the best.